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July 18, 2022

How to Deal with Conflict with guest Jerry Fu - Conflict Resolution Coach

How to Deal with Conflict with guest Jerry Fu - Conflict Resolution Coach

One of the foremost causes of adversity is other people. Let's face it - we all want different things. Even if we're on the same team, heading for the same goal, we have different ideas on how to get there. All of this causes conflict. 

My guest today is Jerry Fu, a coach and conflict resolution specialist - and he's got some very practical advise for conflict resolution, as well as some excellent productivity tips - and he's ready to share it all with us in 5...4...3...2...1

Jerry Fu Links:
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www.adaptingleaders.com

Second Mix Links:
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matt@secondmix.net

Transcript

Matt: In the Cycles of Complexity that I talked about so much last season, Adversity came up quite a bit. In one of my favorite episodes, we talked about the fact that we need this adversity in order to grow. 

In fact, if we were designed to be perfect, it is the adversity in our lives that sculpts us towards that perfection - as I believe that someone who becomes closer to perfect due to overcoming adversity is MORE PERFECT than one who begins with that level of perfection without having gone through the adversity to win it. 

Jim Rohn says that values must be won in battle, and they must be defended forever. That battle he speaks of is the adversity that we all face every day of our lives. All good will be attacked. Everything to try to do to grow and to build yourself will on some level come up against obstacles - and you face a choice with each obstacle. You can overcome it, or you can yield to it. Values, strength, and wisdom are won, and gained by choosing to not allow the obstacle to stop you. 

Life is the upward struggle against the downward pull of gravity. 

There are so many and varied causes of adversity that it is difficult to even make a list. But one certain way we all encounter is in our dealings with others. To overcome this, there are some principles we can learn and skills we can attain that will not necessarily ease the burden, but certainly cause us to be up to the task.

One of the foremost causes of adversity is other people. Let's face it - we all want different things. Even if we're on the same team, heading for the same goal, we have different ideas on how to get there. All of this causes conflict. 

My guest today is Jerry Fu, a coach and conflict resolution specialist - and he's got some very practical advise for conflict resolution, as well as some excellent productivity tips - and he's ready to share it all with us in 5...4...3...2...1

[00:00:00] Matt: So Jerry, I, I wanna start, , hearing what you do in your words. What do you usually tell people at a party if they say, 
[00:00:06] Jerry: what do you do? The line that I'm trying to refine is I help Asian American leaders deal with conflict better, by coaching.
[00:00:15] Matt: So in what, what brought you about to, to want to resolve conflict, to want to teach people how to resolve conflict? 
[00:00:22] Jerry: , it's kind of like with my leadership journey and I can unpack my career journey in the process of this, but the, the, the line I'll lead with is that conflict resolution has been one of my greatest struggles and has now become one of my greatest fascinations.
[00:00:35] Jerry: And what I mean by that, it's like this Growing up, , in an Asian household, my parents were very much about, , letting guests say face and, any resentment that we had, whether they committed faux PA you know, things like that, that they didn't realize. Right. We just had to get over it.
[00:00:49] Jerry: And, I found that even as I didn't like conflict, and I didn't like it when people were upset with me, anything like that, I would just run or avoid, or I would just, you know, find a way to get [00:01:00] over it. Even if I. Over it. And so all this resentment just built up and, you know, after a while you just realized that this wasn't a healthy way of dealing with it.
[00:01:07] Jerry: It wasn't until I took on leadership positions, in my journey as a pharmacist, prior to me opening my coaching business, where I realized that if I did not get better at conflict, I was gonna get in trouble. Part of the journey involves me when I finally took on a manager position in a, in a pharmacy I was working for at the time, I actually got written up by management, because I was.
[00:01:27] Jerry: Keeping my technicians in line, they were behaving badly. I wasn't writing them up because I was trying to show 'em grace, but ultimately I was just still avoiding them. Like, even if that was the reason I was 10, I wasn't, you know, disciplining them for whatever reason. And between all the personal challenges I've dealt with at 1.1 crazy story I had, when I was a church class director, I actually had to confront the newer guy for.
[00:01:47] Jerry: Sexually harassing some of the women in the class. And so, you just keep coming across grenade after grenade and you're just like, okay, I gotta keep falling on these. And I just trust that if I fallen enough of them, but somehow I get better at it. So yeah, basically when I was looking for a [00:02:00] niche, when I opened up my coaching business, because I wanted to help Asian American professionals in the same, I wish I'd been helped 10 years ago.
[00:02:07] Jerry: And I said, well, there's plenty of leadership coaches out there. What do I, how do I distinguish myself? How to position myself a little differently? And so I said, okay, I have to niche down to, you know, people like myself that I know have the same struggles and also to focus on an angle that most people don't focus on, which is a specific conflict solution piece, where you have to deal with, maybe you have a boss who's not, competent.
[00:02:28] Jerry: Maybe you have a colleague who is, not pulling his weight. Maybe you have. , a roommate who is, you know, leaving dirty dishes in the sink, it doesn't matter, right? Whether like high, whether big steaks or, or small steaks you will have conflict. And when you resolve that conflict, guess what's waiting for you a bigger conflict so it's like, you just gotta get mad around it all the time.
[00:02:50] Matt: Let me ask you, so you are, you find yourself in the past, coming up against conflict mm-hmm and. Did you just get better [00:03:00] and better through time? Or did you turn to any resources? Did you go anywhere to try to figure out what 
[00:03:05] Jerry: to do? Oh, of course. No. I mean, if I , I would never be so pretentious to say, no, I figured this all out on myself.
[00:03:12] Jerry: , the easiest thing I tell people, this is what I do for myself. If I don't know something, or if I'm bad at something, go read a book. Right. It's just, there's plenty of books on the subject. And two of the resources that I used, one was given to me by friend one, I just search for on Amazon.
[00:03:24] Jerry: The first book that helped me. Realize how much more I need to improve as a communicator, as a, a conflict resolution person is the four conversations by a couple named Jeff and Lori Ford of the four conversations. There's specific one called closure conversations where if you are in a working in an organization and things, stuff goes expected, you need to have a closure conversation, right?
[00:03:44] Jerry: It's like part of it is okay, you have to hold them accountable. You have to apologize for the fact that something went wrong. Even if it's not your. And you have to make sure that you are intentional about how to restore that integrity in the relationship and the organization so that, , things can go back to normal and things can be [00:04:00] productive and need expectations.
[00:04:01] Jerry: So part of my approach lend from that kind of conversation and then another book from Amazon that I just randomly said, Hey, you know what, let's see what's out there. Difficult conversations clear enough, right? Just read the book and see what happens. And so. Part of the turning points that I got from these books in terms of making me more effective at this is to remember that the person that you have to address is on the same team.
[00:04:27] Jerry: Right. You have to want what's best for them. You have to recognize that you guys are working toward the same goal, whether it's helping your company's bottom line or recognizing, Hey, you know, I can't just pin them for something. I think they did wrong. If I do that, they're just, even if I'm right and I kind of twist their arm into agreeing with me it just makes for a bad relationship.
[00:04:46] Jerry: Plenty of married couples, friends tell me, the guy will be like, , I won the argument and we're like, what did you win? The right to sleep on the couch. Like what, what, what's the long term gain if you manage to say, yes, I am. Right. And so when a common [00:05:00] saying that a lot of leadership books say is that you have to want what's best for the other person.
[00:05:04] Jerry: That doesn't mean it's easy. It doesn't mean it's pleasant. And they may not even appreciate the fact that you want what's best for them. But if you can frame it for their benefit and they honestly see that you can like this, the reason you care about them so much is the, is the reason you're having this conversation to address difficult things.
[00:05:20] Jerry: You realize that the opposite of love is not pain. The opposite of love is apathy.
[00:05:25] Matt: Wow. I like that. so if you are, if you're coaching somebody and, and they're talking about. A conflict they have. And right now the conflict is only in their mind because there's been no confrontation. Fair enough.
[00:05:39] Matt: Do you have any guidelines to let them know? Like maybe that's not something that you need to even worry about. Like that's, that's your problem? 
[00:05:46] Jerry: Not theirs. Mm. Yeah. Great, great question. Yeah. I remember in another podcast we talked about, , what, if you have the uncle at a family reunion that you never see like once a year, right?
[00:05:57] Jerry: And then he just gives you all the spiel on what he thinks your [00:06:00] life should be. The host asks you, do you engage that? And I'm just like, why? You know, it's just, there's not a lot of stakes. It's one thing to just dismiss like a distant uncle. It's another, when your wife is upset and you're just like, no, honey, it's not an issue.
[00:06:10] Jerry: I guess the first question I like to ask is, , is this a preference or a principle that's being violated? Because that usually helps distinguish, is they do things a certain way. That's kind of annoying, even if it gets the job done. Right. Or is this something where it's like, no, like we're.
[00:06:26] Jerry: They're actively ripping people off and we need to stop that kind of, you know, stakes. And so part of it is that and part of it is just to look at maybe the consequences that the behavior is having on other people, on the team or within like those immediate circles. ? Because if, if someone is of, let's say you have an employee who takes slice to take longer lunches than everyone else.
[00:06:46] Jerry: Right. , okay, do they still get work done? Are they productive? Sure, but are other team members resentful of the fact that this person is taking longer lunches. Oh, okay. So even if I'm not bothered by it, if I see the [00:07:00] overall consequences are negative, in a holistic manner.
[00:07:03] Jerry: . Maybe I go say something right. And to not even just pin them again, you have to go in with curiosity and humility and just say, Hey, let me study this a little more, let me slow down. Let me. Their perspective on, on this, on how their, how they feel like their actions are affecting the team and not just how I see it.
[00:07:20] Matt: So go in with curiosity. I like that. Can you talk more about that? Like how do you, how do you go in with curiosity to the guy that's 
[00:07:27] Jerry: late for lunch? yeah, it's a, , it's something I have to learn over and over again. Right. It's a but I think you just you go in and you say, Hey, can I get your opinion on?
[00:07:39] Jerry: So. Because it really is. You're not trying to like, you know, bait and switch and say, okay, let me just kind of like open them up a little bit. And then like, you know, you know, Ram them with like the big problem. Right, right. You have to go in and say, Hey, can I, can I discuss this with you? Can I get your perspective on this, on something, you know, that I, I need to help, I need your help dealing [00:08:00] with, and he can say, of course, you know, why, why wouldn't they wanna share their opinion , You have to be objective with the data you can't just say, well, this is how I feel like you, you know, you wanna go in and say, Hey look, you know, I'm getting some feedback from some of the other teammates about, , long lunches.
[00:08:14] Jerry: And I checked, you know, your time card and you know, these are your right now you have objective data to say, Hey, look, I'm not just making this up. Like, this is evidence that I, we have that we're not saying we're gonna use this against you. We just need you to help address it. Right. And you say, Hey. You know, your lunches, you're taking an hour when everyone else is taking half an hour.
[00:08:32] Jerry: And, you know, even if you're willing to take maybe a pay cut, because you're, you don't want to, you know, a shorter lunch. The team is saying that that's not fair because you know, you're not as available to help get the work done while you're here. , how do you want to respond?
[00:08:48] Jerry: Right. And you leave it very open because you know, as I say, I am one human with two, one set of eyes and therefore one perspective, right. I have blind spots. I have, I can only know so much. And so when people [00:09:00] realize. That there's only so much that I can know about a situation instead of feeling well, I'm smart and I've already, you know, filled in all the missing gaps with the story that makes sense to me.
[00:09:09] Jerry: Then it's easier to go in and say, Hey, look, I need your help with this. Can you help me put together the whole picture so that we can decide if there is an indeed a problem that we can discuss a solution for it? Wow. 
[00:09:21] Matt: I like that. And it, it seems like in that approach, Do you ever find that sometimes the offending party ends up solving their own problem?
[00:09:31] Matt: Just, just by you bringing it up? The, the, the person who's, let's say doing, taking too long, a lunch mm-hmm would be like, yeah, I probably should only take a half hour lunch, especially if other people are bothered by it. Mm. Do do people do that? The 
[00:09:48] Jerry: best ones do. the best ones. Yeah. And in coaching, and this is something I hope every leader understands and appreciates is that you don't have to be the hero.
[00:09:57] Jerry: Like you don't have to come up with a solution for them, because the [00:10:00] irony is that if you, if you spoon feed solutions to your team, sometimes that's necessary. Like in a crisis mode, you know, people just want, a lighted path to the, to the finish line. Sure. Lay it out for them. Right. But. People we learn in coaching and maybe you've seen this in your own experience, right.
[00:10:14] Jerry: People may, may not always do what they, what you tell them, but they always do what they tell themselves. Right. So if you say, Hey, you know, what would, what is one thing you could do differently so that, you know, you can, we can avoid these consequences than that. You know, we can have a better team dynamic and they can say, yeah, you know, let me set a timer.
[00:10:31] Jerry: Maybe I set a time. You know, so that I make sure I don't go over on time when I take a lunch or something like that. Let me set a 30 minutes time, you say, okay. You know, and you just check, check with them. Right. Cause I mean, they, sometimes the solutions need a little help. Right. Maybe they need a little tin rate.
[00:10:45] Jerry: Maybe they need, maybe they didn't, you know, anticipate everything when they can't move with the solution. Right. But yeah, it's. You have to account for the fact that some people say, well, you know, thank you for bringing this to my attention. I disagree with it entirely, which is, you know, the, which is the climate for a lot of society these days, [00:11:00] unfortunately.
[00:11:00] Jerry: Right. But but yeah, for the people that are wise and coachable the ones that, you wanna keep around because they have a right attitude. And they're, and they're humble and recognize that you want what's best for them. Yeah. Usually they come with a solution on their own and you can say, okay, yeah, let's start that out.
[00:11:15] Jerry: And maybe let's try for weeks. See how that goes. Right. There's nothing official in terms of writeups. You're not on probation, not in trouble. We just want. Your help in terms of how you want to adjust things so that, things go better for, for us as a group. So, yes the best ones are, you know, you have to trust that people are creative, resourceful, and whole in that regard.
[00:11:33] Jerry: So yeah. You know, let 'em stand on their two feet for sure. 
[00:11:36] Matt: You know, it's funny. I just thought about it as I, right after I asked you the question. I think the reason I asked you the question was because I was hoping that there was some way that you could do conflict resolution without any conflict. And then I realized how ridiculous that was.
[00:11:51] Matt: obvious. So it's, it's just, uh, interest. That I was already trying to avoid conflict [00:12:00] using, oh, like you found a way to do this without any conflict, but doesn't work that way. 
[00:12:04] Jerry: Does it? Well, I mean, you know, there's, there's healthy conflict and unhealthy conflict, right? The problem is not whether or not.
[00:12:11] Jerry: There's conflict, cuz there's always conflict. Whether it's conflict between who you are now and who you want to be, right. That's a healthy conflict where you say, Hey, you know, like me being this successful has got me this far and I know I'm gonna have to do new things. If I want to grow my business or become a more patient person or more skilled person, that's something.
[00:12:29] Jerry: Right. And so every company I think has that conflict and they recognize that it's not that it has to go away. It's just more about how are you leveraging it to. Really bring out the best in your people. Right? The one blessing, I, I tell people, I didn't realize this until I dealt with enough conflict was that you get to see people for who they are, who they actually are.
[00:12:48] Jerry: Like it is honestly on the table. If you're upset with me, it means you're being honest with me about how upset you are. Right. You're not like, you know, glossing things over, things like that. So. The conflict may not be big. It [00:13:00] still may be uncomfortable, but at the end of the day, there is some discrepancy and expectations that you need to address and, and account for.
[00:13:07] Jerry: And so when you realize, Hey, you know what it's like when someone told me, Hey, you know what, rejection's a part of life. Conflict's a part of life. And when you realize, you know what it's not like some personal attack on my character or competence. It's just something I have to deal with. If I'm going to be a leader or if I'm going to be in meaningful relationships, right?
[00:13:26] Jerry: , the most meaningful relationships I have in the most fulfilling, it's not because of a lack of conflict. It's more that we do enough preventive maintenance so that we don't end up in needless conflict 
[00:13:36] Matt: okay. You know, I tell, I tell my listeners all the time about getting through adversity and how it makes you stronger.
[00:13:44] Matt: And conflict is part of that adversity. When you say conflict is, is one probably, probably a third of the adversity that you come across. 
[00:13:55] Jerry: Oh yeah. In life maybe more. Yeah, maybe. Oh, and maybe more like, I mean, if you really are [00:14:00] willing to get higher stakes and higher stakes, I mean, you're gonna deal with conflict.
[00:14:04] Jerry: I mean, it is inevitable and if you. Don't like conflict. Well, you can still be effective because you don't have to like it to still engage it. Right. Like, I, I didn't want to work out this morning, but I still did. Right. There's a level of professionalism that says, you know what? I don't like this, but I'm gonna have to do it anyway.
[00:14:18] Jerry: , it's like you said, whether it's confronting somebody, I've had to write people up. I've had to fire people. I had to evict a roommate at one point. And you just realize that unless you move the ball yourself, they're not gonna move it for you. They don't even wanna believe that there's a problem until you address it with them and you have to be like this powerful mirror and just say, Hey look, you can't ignore this.
[00:14:38] Jerry: I'm not telling you what to do with it. I just need you to decide what to do with it. 
[00:14:43] Matt: Well then I'm gonna go back for the listeners here. Sure. And correct what I said, because the, the, the paradigm that you're using for conflict and conflict is adversity. Whether in a way yeah. Whether somebody disagrees with you or even if it hails under your crops and how you deal with that.
[00:14:58] Matt: They're both [00:15:00] conflicts of some sort. Yeah. So interesting. All right. 
[00:15:03] Jerry: Yeah. I mean, you know, it's adversity, it's I remember reading Lewis house book's school of greatness and talks about, you know, you're as only as strong as your adversity makes you. And, you know, we don't want to admit that, you know, no one likes suffering, no one likes, you know, pain or, you know, like unpleasant things or discomfort.
[00:15:19] Jerry: But the people that I respect the most, don't let that stand in the way of what they're going for. So yeah, whether you want to label conflict that's adversity or not, cuz it doesn't have to be a big conflict, right? Like, you know, it might be just a misunderstanding about what time you're gonna meet for dinner with somebody, you're like, oh it's adversity. You don't have to make a mountain out of the mole hill. You just have to recognize, Hey, you know what, there's something broken here and we just need to fix it. Whether it's a small toy or, you know, big stakes dilemma, you know, we just have to run towards the gun fire.
[00:15:45] Matt: Right, right. Yeah. Tim Ferris said that your success is entirely dependent on the amount of uncomfortable conversations you're willing to have. Amen. And, and I love that. So I, I think it's fascinating what you do. And I think it's [00:16:00] where you, you started with conflict being your weakness. Mm-hmm and you are actually taking your weakness and turning it into a strength.
[00:16:09] Matt: Now this is what you're teaching mm-hmm . And that to me is very fantastic. I 
[00:16:14] Jerry: love. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Well, it's a humbling road for sure. Right. Because I, I never would've expected if someone told me, you know? Yeah. Like when you hit 40 you're gonna transition from healthcare into, into, and starting your own coaching practice.
[00:16:28] Jerry: I would've been like, I don't even what leadership coach is. Right. I'm like, I don't even, I didn't, I, I tell people this isn't the path I would've picked for myself, but it is exactly the, the path I picked for myself. And, you know, I I'm happy that. , I'm able to turn around and help people and say, Hey, you know what?
[00:16:43] Jerry: Let's strengthen our relationships. Don't make the same mistakes. I did, you know, I've learned some great lessons. I'm not gonna cry over this spilled milk or anything like that. Cuz that's just part of the process. But yeah, excited to turn around and say, Hey, you know, are you struggling with this? Yeah, let's talk about it.
[00:16:58] Jerry: You know, you're not a bad person. You're [00:17:00] not, you don't have to feel incompetent. You don't have to do any of that. We just need to, you. Give you give you some belief in yourself that you can actually grow and learn from this thing. It's actually blessing in your life to, to grow and mature the person.
[00:17:13] Matt: Okay. And so, as you, as you coach people or talk to them, uh, about something that some problem that they may be causing mm-hmm is, is them taking personal offense? Usually the biggest thing you have to get. 
[00:17:28] Jerry: Yeah, I think, you know, because I think about where I've struggled and I, I think about the conversations I've had with my, with my coaching clients.
[00:17:36] Jerry: And usually it is some kind of thing that they. Yeah. They just feel like a personal affront, like one example is so a client who she manages like an art studio, like or helps management art studio. He called her after hours. She did not pick up because, you know, she's off the clock, but then he just blew up at her the next day.
[00:17:53] Jerry: And she's like, I need your help. Like, how do I. Him without getting fired because he, I I'm [00:18:00] afraid that if he just loses the temper, when I basically tell him how much he's upset me, that he's just gonna dismiss me for. Good. And so we talked through that to say, Hey, look, , affirm, things like affirm the relationship, affirm that you want to.
[00:18:12] Jerry: Get back to like a point where you guys can enjoy being around each other and working with each other. Well, you know, and Hey, here are some things that I need your help processing in order to get back to this point of, , a respectful relationship, you know, how do we do that? Right. And you invite him to collaborate.
[00:18:29] Jerry: On a solution instead of just trying to fire bullets and get him to admit and hopefully admit that he maybe was in the wrong and because if he gets defensive and he says, you know what, I don't have to deal with this. I don't, I don't need to deal with this and just, you know, just cut. It's like, okay. Yeah, it's just more about, okay, how do we get past, like, Those feelings because we don't wanna ignore them.
[00:18:47] Jerry: Right. We're human. We have feelings. We just need to let them process and figure out, okay, what kind of story is this telling me , what story am I telling myself about the situation? And, , is this helpful? Yes or no, if it's not okay. What's a, [00:19:00] what's a more useful story. What's a more productive angle to look at this in order to get back to me, being able to exhale and , go back to, , focusing on what I need to be.
[00:19:10] Matt: Okay. So is there an attitude that I could adopt right now so that if I am causing a problem somewhere and someone approaches me about it, mm-hmm how, how can I be, or how can I act? That's gonna make this easy for them to resolve. If I'm the one causing the problem. 
[00:19:32] Jerry: Matt, you ask some great questions. Like I think, I think the let's let, so if we rewind just what you just said, ask me that is exactly the kind of question you need to ask to say, okay.
[00:19:43] Jerry: You know, regardless of, it's not about finger pointing, right. It's just, you know, in designing your work life, they talk about just ask, like, what am I doing wrong? It's not simple, right? Just say, Hey, what? Or even if you don't wanna admit that you're doing something wrong, or that sounds comes across like you, well, you don't wanna admit to anything.
[00:19:58] Jerry: Just say, what do I need to do differently [00:20:00] like, what, what actions do you need me to take? So that. Get back to enjoying around being around each other or, you know, getting past this issue or things like that. Right. There's a, we joke, we not, we joke, we refer to this idea of responsibility, like the ability to respond, right.
[00:20:14] Jerry: And to say, take ownership of the situation to say, even if I only am responsible for 2% of that situation, let me own up. Let. Do a hundred percent of that 2%. Right. It's like, okay, let me own up to all of it. And so when you go in kind of, like you said, right, when you go in with a humble, curious attitude, oh wow.
[00:20:30] Jerry: You're angry with me. Yeah. Tell me more. Right. And you lean into it right. Instead of pushback. Oh, you don't go. Oh, no, like they're mad at me. I better, you know, maybe we cool it for five minutes and maybe that's helpful, but maybe, but if you're, if you're humble and you're curious and you have empathy for the other person to say, wow, like, I'm sorry.
[00:20:49] Jerry: Somehow, like I did something to upset because this relationship is important to me. , tell me, what do you know, what do I need to do differently so that we can get back to , a place of respect and, and harmony. Yeah. [00:21:00] Okay. Okay. It's 
[00:21:01] Matt: great. Yeah. I think what, when I get an expert on conflict resolution, it's like, I'm gonna turn you into my coach while I have you on the line here, right?
[00:21:10] Matt: Sure. Yeah. 
[00:21:11] Jerry: Milk it. 
[00:21:12] Matt: Yeah. So that's where that question came from. I'm like, mm-hmm how do I, how do I do it? Mm-hmm I do not do it well right now. And I, I started thinking, yeah, I do take kind of personal offense at times, like, oh, what did they don't know what they're talking about? Or whatever, any of those things that your mind is gonna come up with as a little barrier to not feel weak somehow.
[00:21:34] Matt: And. So that that's good though. Just approach with a humble attitude. I like the lean into it. Mm-hmm I'm gonna, I'm gonna listen to this podcast again and make some notes here. 
[00:21:45] Jerry: wow. Look at you, students of your own work. I love it. That's good. 
[00:21:48] Matt: That's why I started this whole thing, man. I, I said I'm gonna talk to everybody in different areas and I'm gonna learn as much as I possibly can do 
[00:21:56] Jerry: in the show.
[00:21:57] Jerry: So. [00:22:00] So 
[00:22:00] Matt: on those lines, mm-hmm I read on your profile. Mm-hmm on pod match that you had three life hacks that I could ask you about. Oh, and so I'm very curious about 
[00:22:12] Jerry: those. Yeah, I feel like there's like six of them and I'm just like, well, which, which ones do I shuffle in? But Hey, I'll take all six. Yeah.
[00:22:22] Jerry: Well, let me see, let me see what I can remember off the top of my head. I mean three life hacks. I, so some of my personal favorites that I use Some of it, you know, one shout out to Tim Ferris for recommending this, you know, set yourself reminders on your phone, but to not remind yourself a specific test, but to ask yourself like the meaningful questions to ask yourself throughout the day, like, , I set one at 11 that says, what is your hesitation costing you?
[00:22:47] Jerry: And you're like, oh right. And then I have another one at noon that says, you know, what is the most important thing you should be working on? Right. It's like, okay, I need to probably get off ESPN and, you know, get to what I need to be doing. Right. I need to work on another blog [00:23:00] post. Right. And then the one that has gotten the best feedback is to at seven o'clock, I have one says, what do you, what, how can you make the rest of your day productive?
[00:23:09] Jerry: Like what, how can you basically save like the rest of your time? Right. And it just it just helps center me. In a way to say, Hey, you know what, I've been putting this off, you know, for a while. Okay. Let me just get on pod match and, you know, apply to, you know, two more podcasts or something like that. So that is one life hack is just to ask yourself, like, don't set reminders up just for task, but set them up to make you think, right.
[00:23:29] Jerry: Build in reflection time, even if it's just for a moment. So that's number one number two the. The question that I got from David Allen's Getting Things Done, which is one of my favorite books to talk people through is they ask the question what's, what's the next action. Because it undermines the victim mentality and it gets people to stop complaining and thinking about, well, what I need, what, what should I be doing about this?
[00:23:53] Jerry: Right. So instead of just like complaining about how big a problem it is and how unfair it's that they shouldn't have to deal with it. And you can say, well, you know, what's the next. [00:24:00] You're like, Hmm. Right. And then now you kind of diffuse all that and it's gone. number three, life hack: design your environment in a way that makes you productive. And it sounds, it sounds contrived and it sounds easy until people realize just how distraction pro they are. So the specific life hack I'll give is that anytime I need to get something done, I need to focus on something. I put my phone.
[00:24:22] Jerry: Well beyond reach, like out, outta sight, out of mind. So if I'm working, if my, if my computer is downstairs, I put my phone upstairs, away from everything where I can't even hear it. I don't like, even if there's urgent calls, it's okay. Like I'll, I'll get to it. Right. So that's live hack number three is yeah.
[00:24:38] Jerry: Put your phone like in, in, away, away, uh, so that you can focus on what you're doing. Let's see a couple others that I like you know, This sounds, this may sound small, but it really is. I mean it helps me out so much put stuff in front of the door. Like, like when I, so when I go to the gym half the time, I forget the water bottle that I need to take with me.
[00:24:57] Jerry: And then I, and in Houston, the water is terrible. And so like, I [00:25:00] deliberately bring my own water. So I don't have to drink like tap water, which is terribly, you know, contaminated even after they try to clean it. So it's like, okay, you. Anything that I need to keep in my car. Like, I'll put the water bottle in my car the night before, things like that.
[00:25:13] Jerry: So that, you know, if I'm in a rush in the morning, it's already there. I already counted for the fact that I tend to forget things. Number five. 10 seconds of courage. That is a phrase I got from a friend a couple years ago, anytime you're struggling and it works for this conflict resolutions.
[00:25:28] Jerry: In fact, it's actually in the framework that I, that I, I, I teach, you know, in the free PDF I have on my website you know, find 10 seconds of courage to reach out. You're just like, I don't have to be Superman. I don't have to be Wonder Woman. Let me just get 10 seconds of courage to send that email or send that text or pick up the phone and just get that ball rolling. . And then, I guess another one last bonus one script, your critical moves. Like if you don't have a plan of attack, right. If you don't rehearse what you're gonna say in the middle of a difficult conversation, you're probably not gonna say it. So if the more you, the more role playing you do beforehand, right.
[00:25:59] Jerry: And then I have to [00:26:00] preach this to myself as much as anybody else. Let me make sure that I, I, I can clearly say what I'm going to. Before I need to actually say it, you know, get your reps in at the dojo before you get fi start fighting on the street kinda thing. Definitely. 
[00:26:12] Matt: I love it. We, you know, in regards to the very, to the last one, mm-hmm to script your moves.
[00:26:19] Matt: If let's say I had to leave a phone message for someone, I would write down everything that I need to make sure that I have said in the message. And sometimes I actually script it out and read it. And I use I use an app a lot with, with the people I work with called Voxer. Okay. And it's like a walkie talkie.
[00:26:39] Matt: It's, it's just text messaging with voice. I mean, you can do it on Facebook and all that, but awesome. I have this chance to write down what I need to say to them and make sure that it's nice and scripted, but if I were going into a live conversation, mm-hmm how does it look if I bring in my notes? Of the things that I want to check [00:27:00] off that I want to say.
[00:27:01] Jerry: Hmm. I mean, It, you can, you can approach it one of two ways, right? Either you can be discreet about it. Right. And just like, you know, don't show 'em everything. Just keep it on your phone, where they don't know how long the list is. Right. So that's one way of doing it, or you just need to rehearse it beforehand.
[00:27:17] Jerry: Jim quick Kwik in his book Limitless talks about using the low method where you use a visual signal in, in the room for each of the talking points that you want to make. If you know what the room that you're gonna be in. Okay. And you just need to leverage that. Yeah. That one was brilliant of all the things that he talks about.
[00:27:32] Jerry: He has a lot of good stuff in there. The whole book and his life story is, is inspired from how we recovered from a, a childhood brain damage injury to become like this brain coach for celebrities and Google and stuff like that. But when he mentioned that method, I was just like, I will be telling people about this because yeah, like.
[00:27:48] Jerry: You use , this lamp, , means that I need to, this is talking point number one, like the plant in the corner, that's talking point number two and just on and on and on. So yeah. Well, that's 
[00:27:56] Matt: excellent to know. I seriously, I am three quarters of the way through that book right [00:28:00] now, 
[00:28:00] Matt: and I keep looking at the chapter cuz he's got the memory section. Yeah. And the memory section's longer than any other section and I'm like looking forward to getting to it, but I don't wanna skip there so. Well, that's great. That is great. Yeah. All right. So I've got one more question to ask you, but first I wanna go for it.
[00:28:17] Matt: Throw out there. Where, where do you want me to send people? 
[00:28:20] Jerry: You can connect with me on LinkedIn just search for Jerry Fu or go to the website, www.adaptingleaders.com. From there you can download the free PDF guide on how the framework on how to have hard conversations or you can schedule a free complimentary 30 minute phone call.
[00:28:35] Jerry: Whether to share your story or a situation you need help with no strengths attached, just, you know, experience coaching and, and the, and the benefits of it. You know, if you want to hire me for, you know, an, an official coaching package or bring me to your organization, we can talk about that. But I wanna be completely transparent to say, Hey, you know what?
[00:28:50] Jerry: The, the PDF guide and the 30 minute call complimentary please enjoy those for your anyone's benefit. All 
[00:28:56] Matt: right, outstanding. So, [00:29:00] If you had 43 seconds and you had the entire world on the stage or on the phone mm-hmm what would you tell them? 
[00:29:10] Jerry: Number, I guess first thing is, how, like on a scale of one to 10 how much self-awareness do you have? And then number two what kind of legacy do you wanna leave? , I would, I would just ask those two questions and, you know, and see how people react. 
[00:29:24] Matt: Excellent. That sounds like a conflict resolution coach right there. 
[00:29:30] Jerry: yep. Just asking 
[00:29:31] Matt: a couple questions and make 'em think.
[00:29:33] Jerry: Absolutely. 
[00:29:34] Matt: All right. That's beautiful. Love having you on the show. Want to thank you. Yeah, thanks for 
[00:29:37] Jerry: having 
[00:29:38] Matt: me. Hey, no problem. 
[00:29:40] Matt: Thank you so much. Thank you, Matt. We'll be in touch. 
[00:29:41] Jerry: Have a wonderful day. Bye. You too. Bye.